Toupee or Not Toupee

The Toupee That Got Away

Let’s just say it: if you're still clinging to a toupee in 2025, it’s not a hairstyle—it’s a delusion with double-sided tape.

You're not fooling anyone. Not your coworkers. Not your date. Not the birds. And certainly not the toddler pointing at your head like it’s an animatronic woodland creature.

I’ve seen it happen—man vs. toupee in a grocery store parking lot. That hairpiece took off in a gust of wind like it had plane to catch. The guy gave chase like it was his dignity rolling away… which, in a way, it was. Meanwhile, a dog barked encouragement from a nearby car and a kid laughed like it was recess on roast-your-ego day.

“The Great Escape – Sometimes the hair runs faster than you can.”

Look, I get it. Hair loss is a journey. For some, it starts with a slow drain. For me? It started with a motorcycle helmet.

I used to have hair. Real, helmet-mashed, sweaty hair. And every time I’d peel off that helmet, I’d see my reflection and think, “This is not working.” So one day I took control and buzzed it all off. Freedom. No more helmet hair. No more fuss. Just clean and simple.

I was happy. Until I tried to grow it back… and it didn’t.

Unbeknownst to me, it had waved goodbye like it had better offers and walked off into the sunset. But you know what? Life hands you what it hands you. You either lean in and laugh, or you glue a squirrel pelt to your head and pretend it’s normal.

One leads to peace.

The other leads to a viral video of you sprinting after your toupee in business casual.

So if you’re standing in front of the mirror, debating whether to tape your pride to your scalp—don’t. Rock the bald. Get a hat. Or better yet, get over it.

Because toupees aren’t hair—they’re hope in denial.

So toupee or not toupee?

NOT.

Unless you’re hiding from the FBI. In that case, carry on—but maybe glue it better.

“Some things deserve a graceful exit. Your hair was one of them.” You can laugh, cry, or get offended. I’m just here to tell it like it is—The Condition