PROFESSOR ZILLOW:

Set Opinion, No Clue

There’s always one.
The “expert” in the wild.
Armed with a smartphone and a YouTube degree, convinced they’re here to rescue me from my own career.

They appear at open houses, closings, networking events. Hell, sometimes they show up via email—spam disguised as a TED Talk.

They don’t work in real estate.
They’ve never sold a home.
But they’ve got opinions. Oh boy, do they.
And I’m the lucky recipient.

Now let me be clear:
I love my clients. I treat them like gold.
This is not about them.
This is about the Armchair Expert:
That special someone who once watched a Zillow webinar and now thinks they’re the second coming of Barbara Corcoran.

Last week, a guy told me—
“You should really price this home based on macroeconomic volatility and market compression.”

This house has:
• Carpet in the bathroom
• A pet goat named Darlene
• And a kitchen backsplash, made entirely of license plates from the '80s

But sure, Nostradamus. Let me go grab my Wall Street Journal and adjust according.

Another suggested I “lean into a biophilic aesthetic to attract aspirational millennials.”
What?
It’s a brick ranch next to a Waffle House.
It leans into cholesterol and indestructibility.

But they tell me this like they just taught a masterclass at the University of Pinterest.

Soooooo…
I smile. I nod. I stay professional.
Because arguing with an Armchair Expert is like playing fetch with a cat—pointless, loud, and ends with something getting knocked off the coffee table.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing what I do.
Quietly. Consistently. Competently.
I’ve walked enough basements to know mold when I smell it, and enough attics to know when a squirrel is living rent free.

But yes, please, tell me more about “market positioning” from the comfort of the recliner where you got your HGTV talking points.

If this sounds familiar—bless your heart.

Professor Zillow may never stop coming…
So grab a chair, pour a drink, and join The Condition—the only club where the password is laughter and the dress code is zero patience for BS.

Please subscribe and share if you’ve ever smiled and nodded through nonsense while resisting the urge to scream.